How Are You Doing Today?

How Are You Doing Today?

After Sheryl Sandberg’s husband passed away unexpectedly, she co-wrote the book “Option B” with Adam Grant. It’s a real and raw account of the pain of losing a spouse and the aftermath no one likes to talk about. One of the big takeaways I got from it was not to ask friends during difficult times “how are you doing?” because it “comes across as a standard greeting without genuine concern”.  Instead ask, “how are you doing today?” which is more specific and reminds them they don’t have to have the future figured out.

The second question is now the only version I ask people because I genuinely care about them and want to know how they’re doing…today. If 2020 has shown us anything, it’s that nothing is certain. I can have the best plans set in place, I can have the prettiest vision board created, and in an instant, everything can change.

Dealing with constant change is exhausting. It’s overwhelming to try and control things that are out of your control. Learning to be flexible is important. Building resiliency is an absolute necessity. Learning to stay present and focused only on the day ahead of you takes practice, but the peace you get from letting go of tomorrow’s unknowns is wonderful. 

You’ve probably heard all of these things before. (I may or may not have an entire Pinterest board dedicated to beautiful quote pictures on these topics.) They are the basic life skills that we strive to understand and master in order to lead full and enriching lives. Self-care is the trend, especially during this time in history. Meditation, mindfulness, and building our confidence to live the life we want. I’ve seen a lot of posts asking people to really think about the things they want to add back in to their lives in the future. So much was put on hold and so many expectations we considered “normal” were turned upside down. Before we rush to “go back to normal”, take the time to ask yourself, “what do I really want normal to look like?”

All of those self-care habits and the opportunity to pause and truly decide what you want and don’t want in your life, are the same skills you use in your personal safety.

Living in fear of “what if something happens to me?” is exhausting and overwhelming. You can’t control another person’s actions, but you can control your boundaries and how you enforce them. Putting away distractions and staying present and mindful of your surroundings and the people in it, is actually relaxing. When your intuition doesn’t have to fight for your attention, you will get the message that something’s not right quicker and be able to react or respond faster.

When you have the flexibility to decide what self-defense tool would work best for you, you realize it doesn’t have to be what everyone else tells you to carry. As women, we either have a handbag full of crap we’re hauling around or a cute little clutch. Our dress pants (and many of our other items of clothing) typically don’t have pockets. If they do, they’re small and non-functioning. But guess what, those cute heels that you like to wear? Those can do some damage to the top of someone’s foot, their eyes, or even their neck if need be.

I like to say, “if all you had were your wits and fists, what could you do?”.

You get to decide what works best for you. 

What I truly care about is helping you start looking at the life skills you’re already practicing and using, and apply them to your personal safety. When you start to gain confidence in your skills in one area of life, that confidence will spill over and help you gain confidence in other areas of your life.

If you follow the DAG Instagram and Facebook pages, you can implement some of the daily habits in your life starting today. (Not a follower yet? Click here for IG and here for FB.)

If you’re reading this blog but you’re not on the DAG email list, get signed up here.

So…

How are you doing today?

Where is your comfort level regarding your own personal safety today? 

How can I help you today?

Facing the New, New Normal

Facing the New, New Normal

In the first month of self-isolation during the Covid-19 pandemic, I heard myself say, “I can’t wait to go back to normal!”. In the second month, I realized I had no idea what “normal” even was anymore. As I start the third month, with businesses gradually opening up, it’s been so long since I’ve lived my “normal” daily routine, I’m anxious about facing the change again.

Perhaps you’ve heard that it takes an average of 21 days to form a new habit. That idea comes from a book, “Psycho-Cybernetics” published in 1960 by Dr. Maxwell Maltz. In 2009, a new study showed it actually takes an average of 66 days for a new behavior to become automatic.

It got me thinking-if I start from March 13th (which is the day it started for us), and count the days until today, I get the magic number 58. In our state (MN), the Governor has issued a stay-at-home order until May 18th. If everything opened on May 18th, the number of days we’ve been in self-isolation is 61. So, if you consider the study I mentioned above, we will be just 5 days shy of the 66 days it takes for new behaviors to become automatic.

My next thought was, “Great-I’ve finally gotten to a certain level of comfort with my self-isolation routine and now I’m going to go through the discomfort of figuring out my new normal post-pandemic!”

Ugh.

What will the new normal after Covid-19 look like and how will it affect your personal safety? You will have to establish new baselines in the establishments you patronize, you will need to adjust your readings of body language, and you will need to establish new boundaries for yourself and your loved ones.

Let’s talk about the first item, establishing new baselines. A baseline is what you would normally expect to observe in your environment. For example, the baseline of a coffee shop may be the smell of fresh brewed coffee, a low-level of sound as people are working quietly, and looking around, you would see tables of people reading, working on their laptops, or talking in small groups. What is the new baseline going to look like post-pandemic? For coffee shops, probably not a whole lot of difference. The tables may be more spread out with less available seating. If there are groups of two or more people, some of those people might be wearing masks. Be curious about whatever environment you’re in to establish the new baseline, so you can easily spot the anomaly or something that doesn’t fit.

The second item, adjusting your readings of body language. It makes me think of a funny meme I saw the other day:

 

Before Covid-19, it was very unusual to see people covering their faces with masks, unless they were concealing their identity while committing a crime. Now, a lot of people are wearing masks as well as the criminals. Being able to read body language, is more important than ever. What are they doing with their hands? Does the individual keep touching their pocket or reaching their arm around to their lower back? Those are signs that the individual could be concealing something. Maybe they just stole an item and they want to make sure it hasn’t fallen out of the hiding spot, or maybe they have a weapon and they keep touching it to make sure it’s easily accessible. If you weren’t a people-watcher before Covid-19, consider this your opportunity to start a new hobby.

Lastly, what will your new physical and emotional boundaries be and how will you enforce them? If you are a hugger like me, I need to consider that it may not be as socially acceptable. Even handshakes may be something that will only be allowed after vigorous use of hand-sanitizer. If your personal bubble was 2’ before Covid-19, it has probably increased to 6’. If there’s someone else bagging fresh avocados in the produce area and you have the ingredients for guacamole on your shopping list, you’ll probably wait patiently for the other person to be finished before picking and bagging your avocados. Decide what you are comfortable with BEFORE you go back out after all the stores re-open. Run through mental scenarios on how you will enforce those boundaries and what you will do if a boundary is crossed.

Setting your emotional boundaries will be crucial to your mental health as you re-enter your community. When I first went into self-isolation back in March, I crashed hard emotionally in week 2. I was overwhelmed with having my two kids home with me, I was sad to watch my business stall, and the confusion of information changing daily was unsettling. I continued to try and spread positivity, but my emotional tank was empty, and I was hurting myself trying to give something I didn’t have. As businesses and individuals adjust to re-opening protocols, give yourself plenty of space to decide what you’re comfortable with. If you’re not sure about going back to eating inside restaurants or attending a gathering of more than 10 people, don’t let others force you or make you feel bad about your decisions. Do what is best for you and decide how you will respond to invites. On the flip side, refrain from passing judgement or shaming those who are the first through the door of their favorite restaurant.

As you look forward and contemplate your new normal, take the time to listen to your intuition, and make decisions based on what’s best for you and your loved ones. You got this.

 “We don’t grow when things are easy. We grow when we face challenges.”

-Unknown

 

So, What Now?

So, What Now?

You may or may not have noticed, I missed the last blog email. I’m not even sure I can use the word “missed”. I didn’t forget I had a blog to write, I simply couldn’t focus the energy on sitting down to write it. I’m guessing you may be chuckling to yourself right now, saying,

“Yea, I hear you Kelly. I’ve struggled to focus energies on doing things I used to do too”.

Today marks exactly one month since my kids’ school sent home suggested learning objectives on a Friday in case there wouldn’t be school the following week. It was one month ago that we walked to a neighbor’s house so the kids could play together outside, while the other mom and I talked. I remember us not being overly concerned about what a potential Covid19 response would be in our area. Maybe the school district would close for a week or two. Maybe we would be forced to take a mini staycation. That wouldn’t be so bad, would it?

That Sunday night, we received the pre-recorded phone call letting us know that schools would be closing for the next two weeks due to Covid19 and to help teachers prepare for online learning. That was the start of life as I knew it, being completely flipped on its head.

Monday brought the flurry of emails canceling situational awareness presentations and day-long trainings. Only four days earlier, I had looked at the month ahead and felt excitement for all the opportunities to help people see skills they already possessed, in a new way. To help each of them feel more confident in their ability to keep themselves and their loved ones safe. I felt like my company was finally turning a corner and gaining momentum. At the beginning of the year, I had participated in a vision board workshop and 2020 was going to be the year of growth. My word for the year was “mighty”.

Watching that momentum disappear in a matter of hours didn’t make me feel very mighty.

I’m guessing you probably have a similar story about how the pandemic shutdown affected you.

Loss. Uncertainty. Anger. Frustration. Helplessness.

Those first two weeks of shutdown were a rollercoaster of emotions for me. When my calendar reminder popped up to tell me that I had a blog to write, I dismissed it. What the hell was I going to write about when most people were stuck at home? I didn’t want to pretend that nothing was different in the world. I didn’t want to put on a fake smile and act as if my life was humming along as usual. I also wasn’t mentally in a place to process what I was going through.

Every day brought new information, new protocols, new restrictions, new challenges. I needed every ounce of energy focused on my family and establishing a new routine so my kids could feel safe and secure. I needed to figure out how to let the fires of DAG go down to hot embers without letting them go completely out. I needed to figure out how to support my husband, who is upper administration in law enforcement, while he was trying to figure out how to keep the officers safe and healthy, so they could keep citizens safe. Because a lot of those citizens were now on the front lines. Keeping grocery shelves stocked, figuring out how to reorganize the healthcare system to prepare for a potential spike in Covid19 cases, driving thousands of miles to keep the supply chain going with the increased demand for goods, and small business owners desperately trying to shift their model over night in order to save their livelihoods.

Everyone was affected.  It was overwhelming.

I realized the airplane passenger safety briefing applied now more than ever. Put on your own oxygen mask before assisting others.

I had to figure out how to take care of myself so I could help take care of others. Suddenly, my own words on how to become more situationally aware had another parallel in my life.

When I made that mental switch, I wasn’t back to the full strength, kickass Kelly overnight. I had to set up small, daily habits and commit to doing them every day.

I made a list of 5 things I would do every morning to help me get in a better head space.

  • Read my daily, faith-based message
  • Write down 5 things I was grateful for
  • Look at my vision board
  • Choose 1 thing I would accomplish for the day
  • Spend 7 minutes meditating

These were all things that were simple for me. They didn’t take a lot of time. Which is very important right now with 8 and 7-year-old boys’ home with me every day (did I mention EVERY DAY?!).

My mental health improved, and the emotional rollercoaster went from Six Flags level down to County Fair level.

When you start focusing on your personal safety skills, it’s important to start with small daily habits and commit to doing them. It’s not about only looking for a threat. It’s about being curious about your environment and noticing the things in it.

Pick ONE THING to look for today. Maybe it’s noticing all the different animals in your yard (squirrels, birds, rabbits, deer, fox, etc.) It doesn’t matter if you live in the city or in the country.  Tomorrow, pick something new to look for. Maybe it’s going for a walk and doing the Heart Hunters challenge (a Facebook group now over 800k members strong).

I wish I could tell you when the self-isolation recommendations will be lifted. I wish I could tell you what your life and daily routine will look like when all businesses can open back up.

It’s just like I wish I could tell you exactly what to look for to prevent you from ever being attacked. It’s how I wish I could tell you exactly which self-defense tool to carry with you at all times.

I can’t. I can’t see into the future. No one can.

Anyone who tells you exactly who or what to look for, or exactly what tool to carry in order to stay safe, is full of shit.

Right now, I simply want you to do whatever you need to do, to stay healthy and to stay safe.

Take care of yourself. Do whatever it is that you need to do, to take care of your loved ones. Don’t let someone else dictate how you should act right now. Give yourself grace and remember that you will get through this.

“Life doesn’t get easier or more forgiving, we get stronger and more resilient.”

-Steve Maraboli

3 Things To Remember During Self-Isolation

3 Things To Remember During Self-Isolation

Today is day 1 of self-isolation with my two kids. I’ve started using the hashtag “#CQday1” to keep a sense of humor about all of this. Being the wife of a law enforcement officer, my husband is required to continue going to work, as long as he’s feeling well. Which means the likelihood of him coming in contact with the virus is above average. Which means myself and our kiddos could become infected. Which means everyone we come in contact with has an increased chance of becoming infected.

As an extrovert, this is going to be a challenging time. As a person who recognizes that my temporary isolation could protect others from becoming infected, it’s a no-brainer.

My normal work routine will be impacted, so I ask for your patience in trying to get ahold of me. If you need to reach me for any reason, the best way will be to send me an email at kelly@thediamondarrowgroup.com. I’ll respond as soon as I can.

Even though my daily focus will be on taking care of my family, I can’t NOT talk about a few things on my mind with our current state of affairs. Here are 3 things I want to mention in regards to your personal safety and situational awareness during this time.

  1. Watch for any neighbors who may be struggling during this time of social isolation.
    • If you have elderly living in your neighborhood, send them an email, give them a call, or leave a note in their mailbox with your contact info and offer to help get any supplies they need. It may be as simple as adding a gallon of milk to your grocery order. You can always leave their item in front of their door in order to maintain the recommended 6′ social distance.
    • They may need to get refills of their medications. They can call their pharmacy with your name and birthday and give approval for you to pick it up. The pharmacy would simply need to ask for your Driver’s License to verify your identity.
  2. If you need to run errands and get supplies, be aware of anyone in your space.
    • When fear and panic take over, people do crazy things. Keep your eyes up and pay attention to your surroundings as much as possible. Don’t be afraid to put up your hand (like you’re signaling for the person to stop) and say out loud, “Can I help you with something?” if someone is getting too close.
  3. Make it a priority to take care of yourself.
    • If you are now working from home AND have your kids at home AND trying to keep up with the latest updates on Covid19 AND trying to figure out what to make for lunch AND making sure your supplies are sufficient, you could be experiencing an immense level of stress and anxiety. (or is it just me???) Give yourself grace! Everyone is dealing with massive changes to their daily routines. Stay calm, focus on what you can control, try to get fresh air (even if that means standing on your front steps for 5 minutes), and do something you enjoy. Maybe you can finally read that book you’ve been neglecting.

Okay, this email got a lot longer than I intended. Ha! As always, feel free to contact me if you have any questions relating to personal safety during this unique time. If I don’t have the answer, I’ll do my best to find one it you.

Now…I need to figure out what to make for lunch. Ahhhhh!

You Got This,
Kelly

What If We Flipped The Script?

What If We Flipped The Script?

I just got back from a lovely weekend of relaxation, deep conversation, and lots of laughs with two beautiful souls I’ve been so fortunate to cross paths with. It was exactly what I needed, a mental break from the never-ending to-do list of home projects and the growing (no complaints) opportunities for DAG.

I don’t know if it was the clarity from taking a mental break, the fact that my two friends and I could have real conversations about sensitive topics (with differing views), or that I watched the movie “Bombshell” on the flight home, but my mind was reviewing my personal beliefs and asking hard questions.

Is that really what you think Kelly, or is it what you’ve been told to believe?

Why do you think that?

What if you looked at things from a different perspective?

Typing that seems silly. I’m almost 40 years old and I’m asking myself if my opinions are truly mine???

In my journey to learn all that I can about situational awareness, I’ve had to study a lot of trainings for law enforcement and military personal and think,

“How can I translate this valuable information so the everyday person, especially women, understands it and can apply it in their own lives, regarding personal safety?”

I’m constantly absorbing, evaluating, challenging, and questioning current beliefs and views on personal safety to figure out how to apply them to my own experiences as a woman.

I guess you could say I’m challenging the current status quo of self-defense with the realities of being a woman.

This morning, as I was getting back into my daily routine and the beginning of the work week, I found myself thinking about a quote I had shared on the DAG social media pages last week.

The post saw a fair amount of comments and views. It’s a sad reality that we don’t consciously think about in my opinion. It’s one of those, holy shit- that’s true, type of things.

As I thought about that quote, I realized I could flip the script and switch “woman” to “man”, and wondered if it had an equally impactful truth.

 

Again, holy shit- is that true?

In transparency, after I thought it, I wanted to immediately dismiss it. I know so many great guys, there’s no way this could possibly be true.

But, if the first quote is true, then is my reversed quote true?

“For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction.”

-Sir Isaac Newton

It may be a stretch, comparing assault to the laws of motion, but it makes sense to me right now. If every woman has a story that relates to assault, doesn’t that mean that every man has a story too? Again-I’m not saying EVERY man is a predator. If it makes it more palatable, take out the assault part and think about a guy who crosses boundaries.

If you’re a guy reading this and you’re fired up because you adamantly detest men who prey on women, who disregard boundaries, who say or do things that cross the line of being offensive to women, let me be the first to say, THANK YOU! The world needs good men like you. We need you to keep doing the work to make a difference in women’s safety.

AND, please look honestly at the friends, family, and acquaintances in your life and ask yourself if any woman has ever made a comment about one of them being “creepy”. Have you ever found yourself shocked to hear that female friends in your life can’t stand being alone with a certain guy? Have you been surprised to learn that women in your social circle literally have an understanding or code word for dealing with a certain guy? For example, if this guy has been drinking, they all know to watch and make sure no female is left alone in his presence.

Ladies, I’m curious to hear your thoughts and opinions. What do you think?

Gentlemen, if you’re still reading this, I truly want to know what you think. Whether you agree or completely disagree, I welcome your feedback.

“Each one of us can make a difference. Together we make change.”

-Barbara Mikulski

Self-Defense Tool Breakdown

Self-Defense Tool Breakdown

What Self-Defense Tool is Right For You?

The best answer- it depends on YOU.

When I’m talking to women about their personal safety, I get asked all the time…

“Do you recommend Mace? I’m so worried I’ll accidentally spray myself!”

“I like to walk/run outdoors by myself, would a personal alarm work for me?”

“I’ve been hearing people talk about tactical flashlights, how will that help me?”

I thought I would put together two-part video series to go over the different features of the self-defense tools I carry and sell in The Diamond Arrow Group online store.

Watch PART 1 

Watch PART 2 

I can’t stress enough, if you don’t feel comfortable using the tool you select, it’s not the right tool for you. If you have an alarm, test it out. If you have a Mace spray, go outside and see the type of spray pattern it has. You need to be comfortable with whatever you have and know how to use it BEFORE you find yourself in a situation.

Thanks for watching!

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