Sneak Peek at the DAG Book

Sneak Peek at the DAG Book

I’ll be in a self-imposed, writer’s isolation this week to work on book edits. Since it’s blog week, I thought it would be fun to share an excerpt with you. A sneak peek/VIP insider info sort of thing.

The excerpt below is a “diamond” in the rough (hahaha…get it? ;-p).

DAG Book (still trying to come up with a title!)

“One night, just as I was drifting off to sleep, I heard a loud bang and saw a flash of light through my bedroom curtains. I was too terrified to move. It had sounded like gunfire. I didn’t want to look out my window for fear that the person would see my curtains move, and know I was awake. I called 911 and two Sheriff Deputies showed up. It was late at night, but I was wide awake.

The one Deputy kept testing my memory by repeating back incorrectly what I said.

Deputy: “you said you heard two shots”

Me: “no, I said I only heard one”

I lived in a newer development with small city lots. The neighbors on the bedroom side of my house told the Deputies they hadn’t heard anything.

The two Deputies were professional and took my statement. When they left, I started doubting what I had seen and heard. Maybe I had dreamt it? Maybe it was a firecracker? I didn’t sleep that night, even with Diablo next to me.

I few weeks later, I heard two men’s voices outside my bedroom window, late at night. Again-I froze in bed and silently cursed Diablo for sleeping soundly, while I lay in fear. Where was my scary pit bull protector when I needed him?

After I didn’t hear anything for a few minutes, I assumed it was the neighbors and went to sleep.

While making coffee the next morning, I looked out my front window, down onto my driveway, and saw the explanation for the two male voices I’d heard the previous night. A vehicle had pulled into my driveway (it was winter and the recent snow was a great evidence collector), the passenger had gotten out and walked up to my front door. The driver had gotten out and walked around my house, to the base of my deck stairs, and back to the vehicle.

I remember feeling absolutely terrified.

My mind started racing. Was this related to the weird noise I had heard a few weeks ago? Were they casing my house? How ballsy to walk around my house in the winter, when I could easily see their tracks the next morning. Was this a psychological game and they were intentionally trying to intimidate me?

At the time, I was working on a law enforcement event in town, so I called one of my contacts. I shakingly told him about the tracks I was seeing around my house. I also mentioned that I thought I had heard a gunshot a few weeks prior. I felt so helpless and scared. I kept thinking, “WTF is wrong with me? I’m living by myself and I don’t have a single weapon in my house. (yes, yes-technically I had a variety of weapons in my house, but “affordances” wasn’t in my brain yet). I don’t have a plan as to what I would do if someone tried to break into my home. Obviously, my dog isn’t going to be any help.”

If we look at fear as a motivator instead of a hindrance, it can help us improve our lives. I didn’t want to live in fear in my own home. I needed to take accountability for my personal safety and create a plan.

My LE contact calmly reassured me that most likely, the individuals had mistaken my house as someone’s they knew. After walking around, they probably realized their mistake and left without incident. It was a reasonable explanation and it calmed me down.

It’s important to point out I had a law enforcement contact I knew and trusted enough to call and ask for advice. If I hadn’t had that connection, I would’ve been faced with the decision to either call the police non-emergency number or shrug it off and act like it wasn’t a big deal. As a single woman, living alone with her cuddly pit bull, I have to admit I probably would’ve shrugged it off.

I’m not saying it would’ve been the wrong choice, it simply would’ve been the choice I picked. As women, when we tell someone about something that freaked us out, but nothing bad happened, we hear “See? It was nothing.” We may even be told we were “probably overreacting”. This perpetuates the habit of downplaying our intuition when we sense something is off in our environment.

If I had called my Dad that morning instead of the LE contact, he would have done his best to reassure me that everything was fine, that I was okay, and then he would’ve whispered out of the side of his mouth “don’t tell your mother, it’ll freak her out”.

The message, “if something scared you, but nothing bad happened, you are fine. BUT…keep it to yourself because it might cause worry in someone else”, gets ingrained in our head.

Do you see the screwed-up messaging women get about their personal safety?

We need to change the conversation and talk about the real things women face. We need to talk about what violence towards women really looks like and how to create a plan that works for them. We need to stop making women feel like they should keep their fears to themselves because heaven forbid we make someone else uncomfortable.”

Victim Selection

Victim Selection

Most of us go about our daily lives NOT thinking about being attacked. Sometimes it’s simply because we don’t have the mental capacity to think beyond the task in front of us. Other times, it’s because we have a false sense of security. The mentality of “it won’t happen to me” or “I live in a safe part of town” or “no one would target me for sex trafficking because I’m older”.

Here’s the thing- no one wakes up thinking, “I’m going to be a victim today”.

The definition of “victim” is: a person harmed, injured, or killed as a result of a crime, accident, or other event or action.

We’ve all practiced fire drills since we were kids. Most of society knows what to do if they smell gas in a building. There are checklists and guidebooks on how to survive natural disasters. Those survival skills are taught early on and normalized so it’s not fear mongering.

In our society, tragedy sells. Headlines are created to attract clicks and downloads. To talk about an attack after it happens, and then arm-chair quarterback all the things the victim should have done differently, only serves to discount the traumatic event experienced by the victim. It also helps us separate ourselves from the fact that it could happen to us.

What we need to do is study why the attacker chose the victim and the methods used to gain access to the victim, to commit a crime.

How victims are chosen:

  1. Being distracted

First, there is no such thing as 24/7 perfect situational awareness. Have you ever driven from point A to point B, and upon reaching your destination, realized you don’t remember parts of the drive? We’ve all done it! If you’re going to continue reading this article, let go of perfection. It’s about getting better every day, not becoming an awareness master overnight.

When you’re going from one place to the next, whether that’s walking or driving, refrain from using electronic devices that will distract you. I’m not saying you should NEVER send a text or answer a call when you’re walking down the street- because well, life happens. What I’m saying is work on waiting to use your phone until you’re safe to do so. In reality, there are very few people whose response time means the difference between life and death for another person.

  1. Perception of weakness, weaker than the attacker

An attacker chooses their victim. It’s the 7-second rule of first impressions, but with a criminal undertone. We have all heard about the importance of making a good first impression in meeting new friends, potential future in-laws, and in the business world. The same can be said about making a first impression on a potential attacker.

How you walk down the street, how you walk in to the room, and how you carry yourself as you go about your normal life, sends a message to any predator looking for their next victim. Projecting strength isn’t only a physical attribute. Have you ever heard someone described as, “she’s so sweet and 100 lbs. soaking wet, but I wouldn’t want to be on her bad side!” Projecting strength is also a mindset.

  1. Overtly nice, submissive

Depending on the crime the predator plans to commit, they may test your boundaries not only physically (seeing how close they can get to you before you say something-COVID19 and social distancing is a great tool to deploy in that scenario), but verbally.

“Hey pretty lady, what are we doing tonight?” (I just met you, there is no “we”.)

“You’re right, the likes of you would never talk to someone like me.” (after you’ve told them you’re not interested in further conversation)

“I see you’re a fan of that author too, I bet we have a lot in common!” (when you are simply trying to enjoy a quiet moment reading)

I get it ladies, we have been raised to be kind, to be nice, not to judge others, and all the other caring traits reinforced since childhood. What has helped me deal with this, is to separate their actions from them as a person. I heard the term, “manipulating kindness” in this Crimes Against Women podcast episode and it helped me recognize the tactic and handle it accordingly. It’s not rude to want to be left alone.

How NOT to appear like a target:

  1. Head up, scanning your surroundings in a relaxed, curious way

In my classes, I let everyone know they may find themselves feeling hyper-aware, almost to the point of paranoia, immediately after class. Going back to what I mentioned earlier, there is no such thing as perfect situational awareness. If you are so worried you’re going to miss noticing an anomaly, the true messenger of intuition telling you something is off, won’t be able to get through the noise in your head.

Stay alert by being curious about your environment. Practice your observational skills by picking one descriptive thing about each person in the room. Listen to your environment and pick out five distinct sounds. Does the environment have a particular smell? Is it what you would expect to smell (roasted coffee in a coffee shop, grease and oil at the mechanics garage)? The bonus to implementing these habits is you will be more present and mindful throughout your day.

  1. Stay off devices

Our electronic devices have robbed us of our creativity. Do you remember long car trips that didn’t involve screen time? You had to read a book, write in a journal, or stare out the window at the scenery. When was the last time you were bored, and let yourself be bored?  I’m guilty of going on Pinterest as a distraction when I’m bored. It’s a tough habit to break!

Create perimeters around your device usage. When you’re walking from your car to a store/your home/work, commit to keeping your device in your purse or pocket. When you arrive at your destination early, spend time making observations of your surroundings. Where are all the exits? Where are the restrooms?  The next time you are using a ride-share service or public transportation, sit quietly and mentally go through “what if” scenarios.

  1. Create a mental plan bank of ideas

What would you do if someone knocked on your door at home, when you weren’t expecting anyone? What would you do if you were shopping with your kids and someone was following you? What will you say if that co-worker casually video calls you to gossip, when you’ve got so much work to do? How will you respond if that friend of a friend continues to show up at your door unannounced because, “they were in the neighborhood”?

Unfortunately, women are attacked every day. Most of the time it’s by someone they know, from acquaintances to someone very close to them. Having a mental plan bank of what you would do in different scenarios BEFORE you find yourself in those situations, will help you stay safe. You do not want the first time you’re deciding on your boundaries, to be the moment someone is trying to cross those boundaries.

Just like practicing fire drills and learning about disaster preparedness, learning how to use all your senses and intuition to avoid a potentially dangerous situation, does not increase the likelihood of something happening to you.

You already have all the life skills needed to be situationally aware, I guarantee it. What I teach through The Diamond Arrow Group is how to look at those skills in a new way, to keep yourself and loved ones safer. It’s about perspective and mindset. Commit to having the mindset that your life matters. Your safety is your priority, and you deserve to live life on your own terms.

Own your space in this world.  Live life with abundance and joy. Be bold, be curious, and be kind. You got this.

“What is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?”

-Mary Oliver

Words Matter: 5 Tips on Setting and Enforcing Boundaries.

Words Matter: 5 Tips on Setting and Enforcing Boundaries.

Have you ever said something with one intention, only to have the listener get a different perception of the message you were trying to relay?

The definition of “perception” is: a way or regarding, understanding, or interpreting something; a mental impression.

Words matter. The words you choose to communicate your feelings, what you want or don’t want, especially when it comes to setting and enforcing your boundaries, are so important. Being clear and using words that don’t soften what you’re actually trying to say, are foundational to your personal safety.

  1. Set your boundaries

Do you know your own physical and emotional boundaries? We all have boundaries, but if we haven’t consciously decided where they are, we won’t be able to effectively communicate them to others.

How much space do you need between yourself and the person you are talking to, to feel comfortable? There will be a different comfort level for a person you have a good relationship with (friend or family member) and a complete stranger. Those are your physical boundaries.

Your emotional or mental boundaries are different and can be more difficult to set. Women tend to have a desire to be liked and to show kindness to others. There is nothing wrong with this, AND it’s important to maintain balance between other’s needs and our mental health.

  1. Enforcing your boundaries

Now that you’ve taken the time to decide where your physical and emotional boundaries lie, practice enforcing them. If a casual acquaintance is standing too close to you, how will you let them know? It doesn’t have to sound aggressive; I personally use humor to communicate my boundaries.

“I know my perfume smells good, but I don’t want you to burn your nose hairs!”

I say this while physically lifting my arms to create distance between myself and the other person.

Enforcing your mental boundaries can be more of a challenge. It’s probably why more people in today’s society prefer to text a change of plans instead of calling on the phone. If you were looking forward to a nice, relaxing evening at home and someone invites you to dinner or an event, it’s perfectly alright to say, “not tonight, thanks!”. It seems easy, but what if that person is persistent, “come on! I haven’t seen you in so long!” or “it’s going to be so much fun, I don’t want you to miss out!”. They are using a subtle guilt-trip to get you to change your mind. Context matters, this person may truly want to spend time with you, but it doesn’t mean you have to oblige them.

Knowing yourself and being cognizant of your energy levels will help you enforce your mental boundary. Don’t let FOMO (fear of missing out) push you past your boundaries.

  1. Being firm and polite

If another person discounts your “no” or “no thanks”, that says more about them and their respect (or lack of) for you. If the person is using guilt to try and push past your boundaries, call them on it.

“Why are you trying to make me feel guilty? Normally I would like to go to dinner, but I don’t feel like it tonight.”

The response you get from them after that statement will tell you a lot about their intent. Someone who truly respects you and values the relationship they have with you, will understand. They may even apologize for making you feel guilty.

If the person keeps pushing the issue and trying to get you to back down on your boundary, it’s a sign you need to re-evaluate the relationship.

  1. It’s not me, it’s you

In my opinion, this is where most women glitch. What do I mean by “glitch”? A glitch is an internal fork in our decision-making process. Traditionally women are raised to be kind, to be nurturers, to put the needs of others before our own. This can be a blessing and a curse. Women are excellent at taking care of those they love, but we glitch when it’s an acquaintance or stranger. In our heads, we question if we will be seen as rude or selfish if we put our needs first.

If the other person respects you, they will respect your boundaries. If they don’t respect you, letting them guilt you into doing whatever they want you to do, tells them their behavior is acceptable to you.

  1. Check your behaviors too

You want others to respect your boundaries. How are you at respecting their boundaries? It’s the golden rule of “do unto others as you would have done to you”. When someone tells you, “no thanks”, how do you respond?  Remember, our words and actions show others how we expect to be treated.

Knowing your physical and mental boundaries BEFORE you find yourself in a situation where you need to enforce your boundaries, is key. If you haven’t set those boundaries and you glitch at the decision-making fork in the mental map, you are more likely to default to doing something you don’t really want to do.

Your physical and mental health are important. In order to function throughout your day effectively and in a positive way, you need to take care of yourself.

I want you to have the confidence to live life on your own terms, by having clear and firm boundaries. You are worth it.

“When we fail to set boundaries and hold people accountable, we feel used and mistreated.”

-Brene Brown

What If We Flipped The Script?

What If We Flipped The Script?

I just got back from a lovely weekend of relaxation, deep conversation, and lots of laughs with two beautiful souls I’ve been so fortunate to cross paths with. It was exactly what I needed, a mental break from the never-ending to-do list of home projects and the growing (no complaints) opportunities for DAG.

I don’t know if it was the clarity from taking a mental break, the fact that my two friends and I could have real conversations about sensitive topics (with differing views), or that I watched the movie “Bombshell” on the flight home, but my mind was reviewing my personal beliefs and asking hard questions.

Is that really what you think Kelly, or is it what you’ve been told to believe?

Why do you think that?

What if you looked at things from a different perspective?

Typing that seems silly. I’m almost 40 years old and I’m asking myself if my opinions are truly mine???

In my journey to learn all that I can about situational awareness, I’ve had to study a lot of trainings for law enforcement and military personal and think,

“How can I translate this valuable information so the everyday person, especially women, understands it and can apply it in their own lives, regarding personal safety?”

I’m constantly absorbing, evaluating, challenging, and questioning current beliefs and views on personal safety to figure out how to apply them to my own experiences as a woman.

I guess you could say I’m challenging the current status quo of self-defense with the realities of being a woman.

This morning, as I was getting back into my daily routine and the beginning of the work week, I found myself thinking about a quote I had shared on the DAG social media pages last week.

The post saw a fair amount of comments and views. It’s a sad reality that we don’t consciously think about in my opinion. It’s one of those, holy shit- that’s true, type of things.

As I thought about that quote, I realized I could flip the script and switch “woman” to “man”, and wondered if it had an equally impactful truth.

 

Again, holy shit- is that true?

In transparency, after I thought it, I wanted to immediately dismiss it. I know so many great guys, there’s no way this could possibly be true.

But, if the first quote is true, then is my reversed quote true?

“For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction.”

-Sir Isaac Newton

It may be a stretch, comparing assault to the laws of motion, but it makes sense to me right now. If every woman has a story that relates to assault, doesn’t that mean that every man has a story too? Again-I’m not saying EVERY man is a predator. If it makes it more palatable, take out the assault part and think about a guy who crosses boundaries.

If you’re a guy reading this and you’re fired up because you adamantly detest men who prey on women, who disregard boundaries, who say or do things that cross the line of being offensive to women, let me be the first to say, THANK YOU! The world needs good men like you. We need you to keep doing the work to make a difference in women’s safety.

AND, please look honestly at the friends, family, and acquaintances in your life and ask yourself if any woman has ever made a comment about one of them being “creepy”. Have you ever found yourself shocked to hear that female friends in your life can’t stand being alone with a certain guy? Have you been surprised to learn that women in your social circle literally have an understanding or code word for dealing with a certain guy? For example, if this guy has been drinking, they all know to watch and make sure no female is left alone in his presence.

Ladies, I’m curious to hear your thoughts and opinions. What do you think?

Gentlemen, if you’re still reading this, I truly want to know what you think. Whether you agree or completely disagree, I welcome your feedback.

“Each one of us can make a difference. Together we make change.”

-Barbara Mikulski

Self-Defense Tool Breakdown

Self-Defense Tool Breakdown

What Self-Defense Tool is Right For You?

The best answer- it depends on YOU.

When I’m talking to women about their personal safety, I get asked all the time…

“Do you recommend Mace? I’m so worried I’ll accidentally spray myself!”

“I like to walk/run outdoors by myself, would a personal alarm work for me?”

“I’ve been hearing people talk about tactical flashlights, how will that help me?”

I thought I would put together two-part video series to go over the different features of the self-defense tools I carry and sell in The Diamond Arrow Group online store.

Watch PART 1 

Watch PART 2 

I can’t stress enough, if you don’t feel comfortable using the tool you select, it’s not the right tool for you. If you have an alarm, test it out. If you have a Mace spray, go outside and see the type of spray pattern it has. You need to be comfortable with whatever you have and know how to use it BEFORE you find yourself in a situation.

Thanks for watching!

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