I just got back from a lovely weekend of relaxation, deep conversation, and lots of laughs with two beautiful souls I’ve been so fortunate to cross paths with. It was exactly what I needed, a mental break from the never-ending to-do list of home projects and the growing (no complaints) opportunities for DAG.
I don’t know if it was the clarity from taking a mental break, the fact that my two friends and I could have real conversations about sensitive topics (with differing views), or that I watched the movie “Bombshell” on the flight home, but my mind was reviewing my personal beliefs and asking hard questions.
Is that really what you think Kelly, or is it what you’ve been told to believe?
Why do you think that?
What if you looked at things from a different perspective?
Typing that seems silly. I’m almost 40 years old and I’m asking myself if my opinions are truly mine???
In my journey to learn all that I can about situational awareness, I’ve had to study a lot of trainings for law enforcement and military personal and think,
“How can I translate this valuable information so the everyday person, especially women, understands it and can apply it in their own lives, regarding personal safety?”
I’m constantly absorbing, evaluating, challenging, and questioning current beliefs and views on personal safety to figure out how to apply them to my own experiences as a woman.
I guess you could say I’m challenging the current status quo of self-defense with the realities of being a woman.
This morning, as I was getting back into my daily routine and the beginning of the work week, I found myself thinking about a quote I had shared on the DAG social media pages last week.
The post saw a fair amount of comments and views. It’s a sad reality that we don’t consciously think about in my opinion. It’s one of those, holy shit- that’s true, type of things.
As I thought about that quote, I realized I could flip the script and switch “woman” to “man”, and wondered if it had an equally impactful truth.
Again, holy shit- is that true?
In transparency, after I thought it, I wanted to immediately dismiss it. I know so many great guys, there’s no way this could possibly be true.
But, if the first quote is true, then is my reversed quote true?
“For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction.”
-Sir Isaac Newton
It may be a stretch, comparing assault to the laws of motion, but it makes sense to me right now. If every woman has a story that relates to assault, doesn’t that mean that every man has a story too? Again-I’m not saying EVERY man is a predator. If it makes it more palatable, take out the assault part and think about a guy who crosses boundaries.
If you’re a guy reading this and you’re fired up because you adamantly detest men who prey on women, who disregard boundaries, who say or do things that cross the line of being offensive to women, let me be the first to say, THANK YOU! The world needs good men like you. We need you to keep doing the work to make a difference in women’s safety.
AND, please look honestly at the friends, family, and acquaintances in your life and ask yourself if any woman has ever made a comment about one of them being “creepy”. Have you ever found yourself shocked to hear that female friends in your life can’t stand being alone with a certain guy? Have you been surprised to learn that women in your social circle literally have an understanding or code word for dealing with a certain guy? For example, if this guy has been drinking, they all know to watch and make sure no female is left alone in his presence.
Ladies, I’m curious to hear your thoughts and opinions. What do you think?
Gentlemen, if you’re still reading this, I truly want to know what you think. Whether you agree or completely disagree, I welcome your feedback.
“Each one of us can make a difference. Together we make change.”
-Barbara Mikulski
Hmm. Well… I think it’s likely true? I also think it’s certainly approaching the line of fear mongering.
I’m not offended by thinking about it. And I actually think most people are capable of horrific shit. Make or female. I’ve thought that for awhile now. The more I learn, the less I’m inclined to believe anyone is righteous.
Having said that, I don’t personally know of a guy who has assualted someone-fight? Yes. Assault? No.
But that doesn’t mean I don’t know someone who has. Those two are not the same.
Sean, thanks for commenting. This has proven to be a very interesting debate topic. I took “assault” to be sexual, but my husband thought about it in a “physical” realm. No where in the original quote or my quote does it mention either. It’s probably a really good study in psychology.
I had a mini-panic attack after I posted it yesterday. I know so many great guys who are working to help women (like yourself) and I didn’t want to piss every one of them off. Then I realized, isn’t that part of the problem? Not asking the hard, uncomfortable questions to have honest conversations to learn how the other side feels? When men downplay the frequency of inappropriate behavior towards women, women feel frustrated. When women make negative comments about strong “alpha” men, men feel frustrated because being a strong “alpha” doesn’t equal sexual predator.
NOT having the difficult conversations in a healthy and respectful setting will continue to harm women and men.
Thank you Kelly for the thought provoking article. I too would like to think that none of the men in my life would assault a woman, but I wasn’t born yesterday. The realization pains me. I will be more aware and more supportive of women when they “shy away” or don’t want to be with certain men.
You have opened my eyes to so many things. Thank you.
Thank you for your comment and yes, none of us want to think about the men we care about hurting someone. Looking at the statistics, a person is much more likely to be victimized by someone they know. It’s hard to discuss and it’s a very important subject to have in order to be honest about personal safety and self-defense.
Where to begin unpacking this one? You wanted me to comment, so here goes… (Oh… and … I’m not a writter, so don’t expect great things here.)
First, you did not just replace the words “woman” with “man.” You also changed the narrative. Otherwise, your re-write would have started with “Every man has been assaulted…,” so you flipped it around on us too when you swapped one word with the other. However, if you had just made it the same with only the word “woman” replaced with “man,” there likely would be less to discuss as there would be no ‘shock’ value to play with; and it would not have garnered the thoughts and responses. So…
I can see why some people would maybe be shocked or upset. Could this statistics-implied statement be correct? Has every man … ? Of course, I do not think so; but I also go to worst-case scenarios in my head; and I know there are a lot of degrees relative to the word “assault.” I think in terms of extreme cases and think this is not accurate; but in lesser examples, maybe so. Too, it probably pisses some guys off, scares some women, and causes some pause after having read it. Let’s try to add some more perspective to it.
Let’s start with what is the definition of assault, as it is being used here? Is it physical, sexual, or verbal, or what? What degree? If it’s verbal, then there is a greater chance a lot of people, both men and women, have been assaulted. So what are we talking about? I can tell you, If it is verbal assault, I have been given many names and called many things over the years that are not my actual name. Does that make me a victim? I digress.
Secondly, let’s maybe consider the source in this case too. What little bit (read: almost none) research I did on the person behind the original quote reveals to me that she generally seems to speak to one particular audience more than not on a subject important to her and likely to her ‘regular’ audience. Does that mean that by “every woman” the field is already narrowed a bit to just women in her apparent target demographic? If so, this already makes ‘every’ a lot less, in quantity, thus taking some of the wind out of that sail.
Additionally, her phrase “…had to calculate the possibility of being assaulted…” is used likely in attempt to up the implied quantity and therefore, the shock value she may have been going for. If contemplating the possibility or having to work to avoid situations where assault could occur counts, then the phrase used applies to anyone awake, aware, and paying attention to their surrounding. Even I have probably dodged assault numerous times in my life and may not have even known it. This part just adds fluff in order to boost the quantity being inferred.
The phrase “…has held the hand of another..” only serves to add to the inferred quantity when it’s just another way of saying “every” which naturally creates further emotional response.
I think, going back to what might be the core of your post here, we should question how we develop the thoughts and beliefs we have; and look to dig deeper and research those beliefs to find out if they are true or maybe only partly true or completely not accurate at all. We should not take everything we see, and read, at face value or blindly take it as truth, whether it fits our own beliefs or not.
I know I certainly do not believe that EVERY woman has been assaulted anymore than I believe EVERY man has assaulted. I would want to dig deeper into that claim before just blindly accepting it. In this case though, how could we ever truly know in the first place?
Stay frosty out there.
Thank you for your well thought and articulated thoughts on the blog! I appreciate it. The more discussions I’ve had on this blog post, the more I realize the original tweet is vague and leaves lots of room for interpretation. It’s been interesting to hear from men and women who had different first impressions of the post. Everything from the type of assault insinuated and whether the unmentioned “other” was male or female in the original tweet and my test phrase. What I hope people notice is their own lens, through which they first read the post. So much of how we react to things, depends on our past life experiences.
For those who study the OODA loop, this is a great example of the impact “Orient” has on an individual’s viewpoint.